


One Jaeger, Half a Ruin and Two Specters of who They Were.

by demonsonthemoon



Category: Pacific Rim (2013)
Genre: Angst, Character Study, Gen, also, and the averted apocalypse, it is kind of hopeful too though, people dealing with the post-drift state, ungodly amount of references to canon/extended canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-07
Updated: 2015-09-11
Packaged: 2018-04-13 11:19:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 18,732
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4519944
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/demonsonthemoon/pseuds/demonsonthemoon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Mako Mori, Raleigh Becket, Herc Hansen, Hermann Gottlieb and Newton Geiszler all share one thing. They all drifted, and they all survived.</p><p>Each has their own way to deal with this fact.</p><p>(Mostly a character study focusing on the event immediately following the movies and what are the psychological effect of the drift on all these characters.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue.

**Author's Note:**

> A thousand thanks to my beta-reader, lycanandproud on tumblr. She's amazing and I like to laugh at her pain.

**One Jaeger.**

They are greeted with shouts as they enter the Shatterdome, and Mako can feel Raleigh wince where he is leaning against her. He is smiling though, and she smiles also.  
  
She looks for the Marshall in the crowd, wanting to see his approval, wanting to show him that she _did it_ , wanting to thank him because _it's over_.  
  
Then she remembers.  
  
It doesn't feel like being hit, she feels no weight suddenly crushing her shoulders. It is a simple realisation, a fact. One more family member, dead. She does not know how to feel about that. Still, she is glad that her memories of Stacker Pentecost are ones of happiness. She will try to keep thinking of him as what she had, rather than as what she lost.  
  
She feels Raleigh's fingers around her wrist before her smile has had time to drop completely, and she takes his hand quickly.  
  
_Does he know?_

_*****  
_

Raleigh's ears are ringing. His chest hurts every time he breathes in. The noise around him makes him cringe and he isn't quite able to return the greetings sent his way. But he's alive. And Mako is too. Somehow that's the most surreal part of it all because – honestly? - he had been certain at least one of them would die down there.

(He tries not to think of how he wished it would be him.)  
(How he knew he wouldn't have been strong enough to lose his drift partner again.)  
(How he was selfish enough to put Mako in his place instead.)

But they're alive.

And so Raleigh drops the arm that he was holding around Mako's shoulder and reaches for her hand instead. Their fingers lock together immediately, and it feels natural.

He tries not to think about how much they know each other.

And how little time it has been since they first met.

  


**Half a Ruin.**

Hercules Hansen stays a bit behind while the whole Shatterdome crew rushes to greet Miss Mori and Raleigh Becket. Tendo Choi claps his shoulder with a half-smile as he passes, and Herc is afraid of recognizing pity in his eyes. He watches the two heroes walk through the elevator doors, half-stumbling and using each other for support. He cannot help but smile.

Tomorrow, he will have to deal with the mess that has been left behind.  
Tomorrow, he will find a way to transition from surviving to living.  
Tomorrow, he will mourn the dead.

But, for today, alcohol will be enough to fill the silence echoing through his head and ears despite the ambient ruckus. Today they celebrate. Today they sing and shout and sigh in relief. Today they cancelled the apocalypse.

Herc smiles at Raleigh as he and Miss Mori walk past him. The young man nods softly in his direction. That is the moment Miss Mori seems to notice him too. Her nod is almost a perfect replica of her drift partner's, and in that sole movement they seem to both be acknowledging the empty space next to Hercules. He watches them go as the crowd slowly starts moving. Techs and other staff are almost running down the various hallways, looking for alcohol to bring back to the Mess Hall, or maybe for a room silent enough to call some of their loved ones.

  


**Two Specters of who They Were.**

Everyone starts rushing out of LOCCENT and to the heliport doors as Mako Mori and Raleigh Becket are rescued from their escape pods. Hermann Gottlieb finally peels his eyes off the various monitors, and suddenly feels terribly tired. The adrenaline rush his fading, letting various aches take its place. There is a buzzing in his head that he cannot seem to shake off.  
  
He sits down in the closest chair and realizes a second later that Newton, who had still been standing next to him, did the exact same thing. In perfect synchronisation. The other man doesn't seem to have noticed this, and is instead scratching his left forearm with an intent that looks almost painful.  
  
Should he point it out?  
  
Newton raises his head at that, hair in disarray, glasses cracked and spots of blood still drying on his face and clothes. Their eyes cross.

  


_Headphones slipping on his head way too big for him but he doesn't care because Mama is smiling and the sounds are beautiful -_

_Tickle fights between siblings why does Karla always win, Bastien is using Hermann as a shield again but he does not mind and tickles -_

_Playing the guitar until his fingers hurt drowning out their comments in the music he does not care he's a rockstar he does not care he does not care he does not -_

_First day of university too bad he needs his walking stick today but no not too bad he does not care it is still warm outside it is -_

_Sharp – Pain – Teeth – Growing – Hunger – No – Destruction – More – Pain – Hurt – Tear – Destroy – Destroy – Destroy – Survive – Kill_

_  
_

Newt comes back to himself in one sharp instant, his whole body trembling and his vision slightly blurred. He takes a deep breath and blinks. His eyes adjust to his environment again, despite his cracked glasses. He is in the LOCCENT HQ of the Hong-Kong Shatterdome. They destroyed the Breach. Neat. His memory is still functioning. Kind of. That's nice to know.

He hears laboured breathing, off-beat to his own respiration. Hermann, right. From the look on the physicist's face, Newt is not the only one who's been having flashbacks from the Drift.

Do pilots always feel this shitty after sharing a Jaeger? Probably not.

«I think we might require some medical attention,» Hermann says from the chair in which he is lounging more than sitting.

Newt wants to argue with him, he really does, but as he raise his finger to do just that, he notices that his tremors are getting worse again. He stares at his traitor of a hand for a few seconds.

«Yeah uh...» he starts, words heavy on his tongue. He doesn't feel tired though. Well, his body does, but not his mind. His mind is reeling, racing, chasing theories and it's too much, it's overwhelming it's... «Maybe, yeah.»


	2. Newton Geiszler.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This part contains a lot of speculation about how the drift actually works. I've tried to base myself on what we see in canon as much as possible, but it's definitely a personal interpretation.  
> Warning for hospital setting and mild panic. (If you think of other warnings I should add please tell me.)  
> Thanks again to lycanandproud on tumblr for betaing this fic.

They take their time to walk to the Medical Bay, Hermann and him. _Apocalypse averted, no more rush,_ Newt thinks. The truth is, they couldn't go any faster even if they wanted to. Not with the exhaustion settling deep in their bones. Not with the vicious needles that seem to be constantly biting into Hermann's hip and leg. Not with the pain that Newt somehow feels in his _own_ right leg.

It is like a phantom limb, sensations detached from his body but somehow _there_ and somehow _real_. And Newt knows that what he feels is actually _Hermann_ 's pain, because his brain has stored memories of what it feels like from the other scientist's perspective.

It feels terrible.

A new jab of pain tears a groan out of his lips, and he feels Hermann's gaze move towards him. Newt doesn't look up, partly because he fears it would trigger a new series of flashbacks and partly because he doesn't want his colleague to see how unbearable his daily life seems to Newt.

Hermann doesn't say anything, and they both start walking again. Newt falls a bit behind, staring at the back of the physicist's head as he tries to focus on other things than the leg that is and is not his own. Hermann's hair is in disarray, which is a small miracle in itself. Newt can see the places where the PON helmet had been attached since the hair is flatter there, and probably as sticky with sweat as Newt's is.

Hermann Gottlieb drifted with him. Hermann Gottlieb did not just accept but _encouraged_ the idea that he drift with him and a dying baby kaiju.

_«You would do that for me?»_

Newton looks for it, and he can find two memories of this moment. He feels the surprise he had experienced rush through him again, then hears how hopeful his voice had sounded despite his best efforts. He feels confusion in duplicate, then shakes his head. The drift had been strong. Every memory he picks up from it feels almost too intense to be real, and each one calls another one which calls another wave of overwhelming sensations.

_Let's change the subject and try not to end up puking on the ground, shall we?_

Hermann is still a step in front of him, but Newt closes the distance as they reach the door to the Medical Bay. Hermann opens it slowly, leaning heavily on his cane. He lets out a deep sigh.

Newt turns his head to the side to see what's going on. The Med Bay is almost empty. He doesn't really know why he's surprised, of course even medics would want to celebrate the end of the apocalypse. End of the apocalypse? Does that even make sense? Anyway, of course Hermann would be the only one willingly missing the most epic party of this century.

Still, it's not _completely_ empty, so there's still a chance that they'll be able to get checked out quickly and still partake in the awesomeness.

«Come on Hermann, let's get this over with so we can go party.»

The physicist turns towards him and raises an eyebrow. Newt shrugs and pushes him slightly, getting inside.

«Hi,» he says loudly as soon as he enters the room, effectively catching the attention of the few people that are still around. «Could we get some experienced medical staff to check whether me and my colleague's brains are still functioning correctly so that we can then attempt to drown half of our brain cells in alcohol? That would be cool.»

A woman in a white coat approaches them and Newt sends her his biggest smile. Her frown deepens. So. Newt probably doesn't look his best, if Hermann is any indication. And Hermann is a wreck of sticky hair, tangled clothing, sweat and blood. It's probably Newton's blood, too, since he might have had one or three nosebleeds while they were huddled together in a helicopter, praying to get to the 'Dome in time to stop the disaster that Operation Pitfall had been doomed to be.

The woman eyes them suspiciously for a second, until Hermann gives her his ID with a sigh. Newt does the same, and after studying the pieces of plastic and giving them back to the two men, she gestures to the left of the Bay.

«Both our MRI and CT scanner are currently being used, so you're gonna have to wait a while. Just make yourself comfortable somewhere and keep out of our way.»

Newt nods enthusiastically and leads both scientists to where he knows the scanners to be. As he approaches, he sees a few more staff members, all busy over various papers and terminals. There are two black suits lying on the ground, and Newt stares at them for a second before realising that they are the standard drive suits for Jaeger pilots. So Mako and her guy are probably the ones occupying the scanners. That makes sense.

«So... We just wait here until Princess Save-The-World and her knight in shining armour come back from their scans?»  
  
He looks at Hermann earnestly. The silence here is freaking him out. There should be more people. There should be more noise. Even his thoughts feels quieter than usual, and he never thought he would wish for the craziness that is his brain most of the time, but he does. Because silence is sterility. And sterility is the end.  
  
_The end of this world – dying – nothing to eat – to breathe – no further life except artificial – create to destroy – to colonize – more space more air more life – destroy_ make _space – colonize – destroy – fight – fight -_

«Newton!?»

Hermann's voice pierces the blue haze that has taken over his thoughts, half a whispered shout and half a question. His colleague is bent slightly over Newton, worry etched across his face. His face. God. Newt's eye _hurts_.

«I think I'm gonna sit down,» he says, voice weak and even higher than its usual tonality.

Hermann puts a hand on his shoulder and helps him to the ground. _This is nice_ , Newton thinks. He's touched Hermann more in this past... day? Two days? What time is it anyway? He has no idea. Whatever. There has been physical contact. There has been a _hug_. And, sure, it was a «Oh mein Gott, we saved the world, we're _alive_!» sort of hug, but that still counts.

The floor is cold under him, but at least the world is a bit less blue and shaky, so Newt takes it as a win. Hermann is still hovering above him.

«Oh, come on!» He grabs his colleague's wrist before Hermann has time to protest and drags him next to him. It's a wonder Hermann doesn't actually fall face-first to the ground and Newt does feel slightly sorry about his impulse, especially as his colleague winces with pain from his leg. «Isn't it more comfy here?»

«Newton,» replies the physicist with a stern look, uselessly trying to put his shirt collar back into place. «We're sitting on the ground.»

«I know! Isn't that awesome? Like... Gravity, man. It's the shit.»

«Newton.»

Silence falls again, then, and Newt hates it. He can feel Hermann's gaze on the side of his head but doesn't dare look up. He _is_ comfortable here. Hermann's arm is slightly touching him, and it is radiating just enough warmth for Newt to be able to ignore the cold seeping through his legs from the floor.

He wonders how the drift actually works. Of course, he has looked into it a bit – what's the purpose of having six doctorates otherwise? - but now that he has experienced it he realises how different it is from what he had imagined. It is not really surprising. How could you imagine the merging of two consciousnesses?

The sensation was so incomprehensibly _complete_ at the time, like he really _was_ Hermann, for just a few seconds, before their brains aligned and before the kaiju had come through. And there had been so much data. It was impossible to divide it into precise memories. Without the flashbacks, Newt would almost say that the only thing left behind was this vague impression that he knows Hermann better now. That he _actually_ knows him. More than anyone ever would again, probably.

«... Yeah?» Newt says, two full minutes too late.

Hermann sighs. He rests his weight a little more against the wall and Newt's shoulder. The biologist can once again feel some slight phantom pain. He leans against Hermann too, and nudges him ever so slightly with his elbow.

«Dude, talk to me.»

«Says the man who took nearly three minutes to respond to me calling his name. If such a word as _yeah_ can be called a response.»

_What does that have to do with anything?_ __  
  
Well, first of all, fuck you.

_Can't you see I actually care about you?_ __  
  
These are all things that go through Newton's head and that he does not say. Instead, what comes out of his mouth is «My thoughts are... kind of slow, right now.»

Hermann sighs again and, wow, he really needs to stop that. It makes him look old. Not in his usual _I want to seem respectable so I dress like I just raided your grandpa's closet kind of way_ , but in an actually old, tired and defeated kind of way. It scares Newt a little.

«And mine seem to be racing randomly in a way I'm having trouble adjusting to.»

Newt perks up at that. Thoughts racing, huh? He definitely knows how that feels. «That might be because of me, actually?»

«Bitte?»

«The racing thoughts thing. That's what I usually do when I'm stressed. Instead of...» He gestures vaguely at himself. «Whatever this is.»

«So you're saying...»

Newt looks up, and accidentally crosses eyes with Hermann. They both wince, waiting for the onslaught of thoughts they have no right to be privy to. It doesn't come. They release a breath of relief at the same time.

«I'm saying that, when we drifted, some connections in your brain were probably re-routed to accomodate my trains of thoughts, while the same happened to me for yours, and that's why you've got this whole noisy brain thing going on.»

Hermann raises his eyes to the ceiling. The bright white neon lights of the Medical Bay turns his skin to a paler shade than usual. It seems almost transluscent.

«I believe you might be correct,» he says. His eyes get lost in the air as his brows furrow slightly. «I truly haven't studied the biological aspects of piloting Jaegers enough. Do you think this will be...»

«Permanent?»

Hermann nods.

«I have no idea, man. The drift is usually programmed to work with a _machine_ , not a kaiju. And, like, I kind of had to modify everything a bit to work with the equipment which – before you protest – really was the best I could do on such short notice and without any funding.»

He is certain it was the best. Mostly because he had been thinking of doing this for a while and had gone over his options a week before he even tried to talk the Marshall into giving him funding.

«I certainly am both glad and impressed it worked.»

Newt beams at his colleague, the compliment warming his insides. «I'm _awesome_ , dude.»

Hermann rolls his eyes. He starts absentmindedly tapping a beat on one of his legs. Newt stares. He wants to take that hand in his and make it _stop_. Because that's just not something Hermann does.

Except somehow it is. He does it in the same way he sometimes plays with the string of his glasses when he is tired, in the same way he sometimes roll his chalks between his fingers when he isn't sure where his calculations are taking him. But the tapping is something _Newt_ does, and usually it drives Hermann insane.

A machine beeps slightly, and a young man presses an intercom switch. «Your scan is done, Miss Mori. Be careful as you stand up.»

A minute later, Mako emerges from behind one of the white partitions that separate the Medical Bay into smaller and more private rooms. She is wearing sweatpants and a stained tank top. Her hair is even messier than Hermann's. She is surprised to see them, but her expression almost immediately relaxes into a respectful smile.

«Doctor Gottlieb, Doctor Geiszler.» She bows her head slightly in both of their directions.

«Miss Mori,» Hermann replies the same way.

«Yo!» Newt says, waving a hand. He has a reputation, thank you very much. The fact that his thoughts are really muddled right now is not going to stop him from being stylish.

Mako smiles tiredly.

«Are you also here to get a brain scan?» She asks, sitting down on the floor in front of them without a hint of hesitation.

«Yup. The un-glamorous side of saving the world, am I right?»

Mako nods, slowly running her fingers over red marks left on her skin from her pilot suit. She turns her head towards the scan rooms, then back again to Newt and Hermann.

«Thank you,» she says softly, looking them both in the eyes. Newt feels a shiver run through him from the sheer intensity of her gaze. Her words are the most honest ones he has every heard. «For what you did. We would not have succeeded without you.»

«Thank _you_ , Miss Mori,» Hermann replies. «You were the one who went and braved the kaiju for all our sakes. And that was a very brave thing to do.»

Her face lights up at the praise, which makes Newt's heart ache a little. She's so young. She's so young, and she has already lost her family twice, but still she smiles in a painfully honest and innocent way.

«I am a ranger. It is what I was supposed to do.»

But how much had she fought to get there? How many years had she spent getting better and stronger, when others would have just given up or would never have even tried?

«Are you okay, Doctor Geiszler?»

The question startles Newt out of his reverie. «Huh? Yeah, of course. I'm fine.»

«You seem oddly silent and... restrained.»

«That... I'm pretty sure that's a post-drift thing for me. At least I'm not having a seizure?»

Mako frowns and the biologist curses himself. Right, she probably didn't know about the seizure he'd had after his first drift. She had been worrying about other things at the time.

«It's not a big deal, really. Like, we're gonna get our brain scanned in a bit to be sure we're not actually dying, which we aren't, and then I'll totally be joining you in the Mess Hall for the big End-of-the-Apocalypse party.» He has decided that the phrase sounds good enough, in the end. «You're going to the party, right?»

«I guess I will stop by.»

«Neat.»

He feels exhausted. Conversations aren't supposed to be this hard. He feels Hermann's hand softly nudge his and looks down to realise that his tremor his back. He tucks his fingers underneath his thigh before Mako can notice anything.

There is a new beeping sound and more medics running around and talking in an intercom. Newton guesses it means that Becket has finished his scan too.

Sure enough, the blond joins them a few minutes later, surprised to see the two scientists slumped against a wall in front of Mako. He's less polite about it than she was.

«What are you doing here?»

«Geez, hello to you too! You're welcome, by the way.»

«What?» Becket says, and maybe Newt should be nicer to him. He looks tired. He looks confused. He looks lost and like he's desperately trying to follow what's going on but just can't. So maybe he's not as much of a brat as Newt thought.

«What my colleague is trying to say – and gracelessly failing at -» Newt tries to hit Hermann with his elbow, but he has literally no strength left and the physicist just sighs at him. «is that we would like to thank you for destroying the Breach.»

«That is _not_ what I was trying to say, but whatever. Thanks, I guess.»

«You're welcome?» Becket stares down at them all in silence, until Mako grabs one of his arms and pulls him down to the floor.

He lets himself get dragged pretty easily, and Newt is left to contemplate how ridiculous they all look. He doesn't care though. This was his idea in the first place and, well, the floor _is_ kind of comfortable.

The woman they had first run into earlier finds them like this, and if she is surprised she hides it pretty well. She does roll her eyes a little though. Maybe she and Hermann would get along.

«Mr Becket, Miss Mori. Both of your MRIs went well, and do not show any unexpected damage. We'll keep you updated once we get more precise results. I would still recommend that you do a CT scan, but if you insist otherwise, you're free to go.»

Both pilots clamber to their feet. «Thank you doctor,» Becket says and shakes her hand.

«You're welcome. Please be careful not to abuse alcohol tonight. I know that we are celebrating, but so shortly after such an intense drift, it really isn't recommended.»

«We'll be careful,» Mako says, and she and Becket depart.

The doctor then turns her full attention on Newt and Hermann. The latter straightens his back a bit under her scrutiny, but doesn't move away.

«I'll have the staff prepare the scanners for you too.»

And that is how Newt finds himself staring at the metal lining of a giant tube. He has to stay there unmoving for twenty minutes and boy does that sound like a challenge. He can do this. He can totally do this and prove everyone that his brain is awesome and healthy. Or, like... healthy enough. Because he's pretty sure one or two anomalies are gonna show up on his scan, what with having drifted with kaiju twice using pieces of junk. This is easier than drifting with a kaiju though. Much easier. So it will be fine.

His nose itches. Of course his nose itches.

He tries to focus on something else, anything. His mind always comes back to the drift. He thinks of Hermann, because it's either him or the kaiju, and those are a no-go for at least a few hours. He never _ever_ wants to see an alive one again in his life. He had almost gotten eaten. Oh Gott. He had almost gotten eaten.

_Think about Hermann._

Huh? Yeah. Whatever.

_This is weird._

Now that he has felt what it is like to _be_ Hermann Gottlieb, he finds it strange to think about how little they knew each other beforehand. He tries to look for the other man's memories. Something silly, that won't be intrusive. What was his eighteenth birthday party like? He gets vague impressions, an idea of a self, but no actual picture to hold onto. That seems logical. It would be impossible for all of his memories to have been transmitted to Newton's brain. There is no way that a human being could have handled that much data.

So he iss left with... what? Important memories? Vivid ones? Things that had been on Hermann's mind before they drifted? Things they shared?

He has no idea and no will to categorise everything. It would take too long, and has no real purpose in the end.

So. Back to staring at the machine surrounding him.

A dark, cold machine. Nothing but that. Hovering above him and scanning his brain. Hovering above him in the silence and the heat and...

He had almost been eaten. In that bunker, in that dark and suffocating bunker. Otachi had been looking for him, had found him. It had opened its mouth and its tongue had sifted through the air, smelling him, tasting him?

Spots of bright blue are dancing before him and Newt tightly shuts his eyes, desperately trying to get his breathing to calm down.

He wants to scream. He wants to scream so badly, because he hadn't been able to do so at the time, had been frozen in place by the sheer terror (and beauty? No, terror. Definitely terror.) of the kaiju.

Then suddenly the lights stop dancing. The spots of blue behind his eyelids resolve into vague shapes, and Newt opens his eyes. He is still breathing too fast, and his chest hurts from it, and he is going to be _so_ tired after this but... But there are stars in front of him. Bright blue stars like glow-in-the-dark toys staring back at him. The heat turns into a comforting embrace around him and his nostrils are filled with the smell of old houses.

This is a memory.

He looks up at the spots of light in wonder, tracing constellations whose name come to him as naturally as walking. There is a yearning inside him, but it is a peaceful one. He looks up, and he wants to know, wants to discover, wants to learn, more than anyone ever has.

Newt basks in the glow of far-away blue stars, distant in both space and time, but also in perspective. Slowly his breathing calms down.

He is too tired to think really, so he slowly starts counting the blue spots above him.

He thinks that, in the memory, Hermann is falling asleep.


	3. Raleigh Becket.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> References are made to the extended canon because I really liked the way it gave the jaeger a personality and a presence. I chose to ignore everything it said about Raleigh being some kind of womanizer who wanted to fuck Mako since day one, though. So there's that.
> 
> Jazmine is Raleigh and Yancy's younger sister.

Raleigh is relieved as he leaves the Medical Bay. He has seen too many of them after Anchorage. People had tried to get him to remain alive, then they had tried to understand. What made him so special that he had been able to pilot Gypsy Danger alone? What made him different? He had known he would leave the PPDC as soon as he had regained consciousness, but if that hadn't been the case the endless tests he had been forced to undertake would have been enough to convince him.

Raleigh doesn't know what makes him special. He doesn't care, really. He remembers the pain, the anger, the anguish, the _despair_. He remembers Yancy's last thoughts telling him to _keep fighting_. He remembers reaching into that void where his brother had been and finding onl Gypsy there. He remembers being conscious of her existence more than he had ever been before, and how she had responded to him and to every of his emotions until they had finished the job. He remembers how the acidic kaiju blood had burned her the same way that his suit had been burning scars into his skin and how they had both screamed in pain and in loss. He remembers being disconnected from the Jaeger in a second burst of searing agony.

And then he had collapsed onto the beach and all he could hear was silence.

_«Yancy. Yancy. Yancy.»_

«Raleigh.» It is like an echo long overdue, and Raleigh looks up at Mako. The woman smiles, just the slightest movement of her lips.

He cannot help but smile back as the force of her presence wipes all other thoughts from his mind.

One thing they do not teach you at the Jaeger Academy: it is almost as easy to chase the RABIT out of the drift as it is inside.

They keep walking, leaving the two scientists behind. Raleigh realizes that he ought to have thanked them, but he was just too tired to follow the speech of the kaiju groupie. Geiszler, he thinks?

They _had_ saved them, though. No one has yet explained to him exactly how _that happened_ , but it did happen. And looking at the shape of them, slumped together on the cold floor, it hadn't been easy. These two are weird, he decides. He cannot help but place them together, as he has actually never seen them without one another. There is also something in the way they move around each other that speaks of more than just familiarity.

_Leave it to them to figure that out, he says to himself._

«When were you going to tell me about the sword, actually?» Raleigh asks, turning towards his drift partner. Both of them are still walking more slowly than usual, but they don't need to physically support each other anymore without the weight of the pilot suits over their backs.

Mako smiles mischievously. «I was waiting for the right moment to make an impression.»

Raleigh laughs softly. «That you did.» She looks up at him. «You were amazing out there. The first time, and the second too.»

«Well, you weren't so bad yourself,» Mako replies as she punches him in the arm softly enough that he barely feels a thing despite his bruises.

He looks at her. Really looks. Her posture is less straight than usual and the tips of her hair stick to the skin at the back of her neck. Still, she is pretty. Pretty in the way a piece of glass is, reflecting light in colored waves, both fragile and extremely sharp. There is something in Raleigh that calls to her, and he would like to be able to call it a word as simple as attraction, whether romantic or sexual. But it's not, really. It's not, because Mako is already part of his life in a way that is stronger than romance or sex. He does not _desire_ her, he realizes, because he already has her next to him. He knows her in the most intimate way possible.

Raleigh cannot help but wonder how things would have gone between the two of them if they had met earlier. If they had met when Yancy was still alive, if they had never drifted together. Would their relationship be as it is now? He doesn't think so. He knows how much he has changed since Anchorage. He knows that his brain has adapted to the loss of his brother by becoming more like Yancy's. Raleigh used to be talkative, always enthusiastic and reckless both in combat and in conversation. He is still all of that, of course, but he has learned to value the silence Yancy was always asking for, has learned to use his words for a precise purpose and not just for the sake of talking.

Raleigh pilots on the right now.

«So... Party?»

They can hear music coming from the Mess Hall, apparently broadcasted through the communication lines. It sounds like a silly pop song remixed for dance clubs, but Raleigh actually doesn't mind. They're not here for the music, they're here for the atmosphere, the celebration. The alcohol, potentially. They want to take a break and forget. Now that they finally have time to think, they choose the option not to take it, at least for a while.

«I think a celebration is in order, yes.»

And so they enter the Mess, which has turned into a jungle of bodies and bottles. People are talking and dancing everywhere, air pilots mixing with kitchen staff mixing with techs. Some notice the two Jaeger pilots that just came in and start clapping. Soon, the whole room erupts into applause.

Mako and Raleigh stand there, frozen. How are they supposed to react to something like this? Raleigh does not feel like improvising a speech in the same way Pentecost had. There is no way.

Fortunately, rescue comes in the shape of Tendo, who gets behind them and pats them both on the shoulder.

«Hey guys,» he says, before grinning at the crowd. «Thanks for the warm welcome you gave these two. But let's keep their ego from bursting, okay?» He has to shout over the music, but his voice still carries well enough. «Tonight, we're celebrating the end of the Kaiju War. And we were _all_ part of that. Each and everyone of us is the hero today. So, what I say is, let's do one more round of applause for each and every person in this room, and then we can go back to drinking and dancing and more the-world-isn't-ending shenanigans. Okay with you?»

Mako and Raleigh are the first to start clapping, and the whole room follows after them, bursting into cheers.

Tendo then leads them through the mass of bodies to where his wife Alison is waiting, chatting to a few people whose faces Raleigh barely recognizes. Alison hugs him, then Mako, and congratulates them both. Tendo pouts at her until she gives him an embrace and a kiss, and then they are both smiling brightly.

Raleigh takes the time to look at Alison more closely. He hadn't really known her while stationed in Alaska, and though Tendo has told him the story of how they'd gotten married and introduced them to each other when they had randomly met in a hallway, he hasn't really had time to get closer to her while in Hong Kong either. He hasn't really had time to get to know anyone. Except Mako.

Alison is wearing jeans that reach halfway down her shins and a dark blue jacket over a black top. Her wavy hair is tied with a red elastic band.

«Can I get you a drink?» a young man asks. Raleigh has seen him working in LOCCENT once or twice. His accent isn't the same as the Hong Kong natives, but Raleigh can't place it precisely.

He nods. «A beer would be great, thanks.»

«For me too, please,» Mako says next to him.

Almost everyone around them is talking about Operation Pitfall. Raleigh feels something twist inside his stomach. Pitfall was a success, yes. But it hasn't worked the way it should have either. They had been supposed to have the Wei triplets and the Kaidanovskys as support. Herc Hansen had been supposed to pilot Striker Eureka with his son. They had all been supposed to survive, not just him and Mako. He thinks of Herc, the last remaining member of his family. The man is strong, he will get over this and get on with his life. But he will never be able to forget. Raleigh knows that.

He clinks the beer that has been handed to him against Mako's, then drinks half of it in one gulp. It is already almost lukewarm, but feels as refreshing as a waterfall of ice-cubes in his throat. He downs the second half almost as quickly.

He turns slightly and sees Mako staring at him. She blushes and quickly turns away, sipping at her own beer in a more civilized manner.

«What do you plan on doing, now that the war is over?» a red-headed woman asks the tech that had gone to get the beers. She also has a heavy accent. Northern European, maybe?

He shrugs. «I'm not... I'm not entirely sure, actually. I think I'll go back to my family for a while. Get some rest. Work on that book I've been meaning to write for years. You?»

«I don't have fixed plans either but... I can't really see myself working as a civilian anymore. I guess I'll see what happens with the PPDC -»

«I wouldn't get my hopes up about that,» another man chimes in. «Governments didn't seem too keen to give us funding when we needed it to save the world, I don't see them opening their bank accounts now that the Kaiju War is over.»

«Or maybe I'll join my country's airforce instead. I'm not picky, really.»

«Me and Alison are going on a second honeymoon,» Tendo announces proudly.

«We are not,» his wife counters, smacking him on the back of his head.

«Come on!» Laughter erupts as the couple starts bickering. «We can leave Leo with your parents, they'll love it. Or we can take him with us. We only took three days of vacation on our first one!»

«I am not taking a one-year old on a plane! And I am definitely not letting you waste money on a trip to some tropical island.»

«But...»

«What about you?» the red-haired woman asks Mako and Raleigh, leaving the couple to their own devices. «You're kind of famous, now.»

Raleigh turns to Mako and she looks up at him. While they were in Gypsy Danger, he told Mako that he had never taken the time to think about the future. And it was true. He knows what he wants to do, though he isn't really sure it's the kind of answer the woman is waiting for.

_I want to be alive._

To Mako, he thinks _I want us to be alive together._

He doesn't want to hide like he had after Yancy's death. Today he doesn't feel the urge that had pushed him towards the Wall, the urge to occupy his mind with something, even if he knew it would be useless. Building the Wall, he had at least had the impression of _trying_. He knows today that it was just a delusion, that he could have done much more, could have actually _fought_. But, after his failure against Knifehead, he just couldn't have faced anyone from the PPDC. He couldn't have let anyone else inside his head. Besides, every day on the stupid construction had already felt like a fight in and on itself.

«We do not have precise plans,» Mako replies kindly. «We will first see what the PPDC expects of us, and then we will decide what we are actually going to do. We haven't had much time to consider it.»

_Because we expected to die, goes unsaid._

Raleigh likes to hear her talk like this, as a we. She translates his words into thoughts without having to even ask. He had missed that. Had missed being part of this inseparable unit that is a pilot team. Everyone recognizes them as what they are now, a pair.

No one has to know that there is the shadow of a third member lurking over them. Through Raleigh's memories, Yancy now has a place in Mako's mind too. Raleigh wonders how she feels about his brother, if they will one day be able to talk about him together without it being awkward or painful.

They are each handed a new bottle of beer, and Raleigh tries to drink his a little more slowly. With the help of exhaustion, the alcohol rises quickly to their brains, and soon he is seeing things through the hazy filter of intoxication.

Mako seems to be well on her way too, her attitude more relaxed and surprisingly more energetic. She seems to be a happy drunk, or perhaps she's just trying really hard.

A Japanese song comes on the speakers, and Raleigh is hit with pictures of Mako, younger, listening to music from her country of birth because she didn't want to forget her language. She didn't want to forget her family. She turns towards him, excitement in her eyes, and Raleigh knows exactly what he has to do. He takes her hand and drags her away from Tendo and the rest of the group, towards the make-shift dancefloor.

Mako is giggling and Raleigh finds himself laughing too. How long has it been since he last danced with someone?

The music is too fast to really do much else than shake their body to the rhythm, so that is what they do. They know they stink of sweat, but they do not care. Their bone-deep exhaustion lifts a little bit as they dance carelessly amongst people doing the same.

The next song is an old rock & roll one, and Mako beams at him. Raleigh's parents had taught him and his sister a few steps, and he still has memories of making Jazmine spin. He takes the hand Mako is extending to him and brings her closer, crossing his arms above her head before letting go of one hand as she spins down the whole length of his arm.

Their technique is far from perfect, but they have a synchronicity that makes the dance beautiful anyway, and a few people actually stop their conversations to look at them. Raleigh isn't really fond of having an audience for this. He used to love being in the public eye when he piloted with Yancy. The story of two good-for-nothings turned into international heroes had made them audience-favorites. But he has learned what the public can do to you after you fail. He has endured the mockery and the insults on the wall, has seen people laugh at his grief because that was easier than to think of their own situation.

Mako catches his eyes, and holds him there by the sheer force of her determination. Her expression shifts slightly, and Raleigh finds himself facing the woman he fought in the Kwoon. He smiles. There is challenge in his partner's eyes and Raleigh cannot help but rise up to it. Their dance becomes more complicated, less carefree and more focused. Every step is a double-entendre, meant to both surprise and lead the partner. Raleigh doesn't have time to focus on their audience when he is dancing like this. He is fighting with all he has as not to disappoint Mako. The clumsiness brought on by the alcohol disappears under adrenaline. By the end of the song, they are both breathing heavily, and Raleigh tilts Mako over his arm as the grand finale. The woman lets herself go and even closes her eyes. There is trust there. Trust that comes from knowing that he hasn't let her get hurt before, so he won't now. Trust because he asked her to stand up for herself in front of Pentecost. Trust because he explained that he had been the first to go out of alignment. Trust because he gave her his oxygen and ejected her pod while Gypsy kept on falling.

_(Falling is the easy part. Everybody can fall.)_

There is a round of applause, though quieter than when they first came into the room. Mako opens her eyes again, a blissed-out look on her face. She carefully gets back up and bows slightly at their audience.

«Something to drink?» she asks as she turns towards Raleigh again. The blond nods and follows her through the mess of people as a new song starts playing. Now that he has stopped dancing, he once again feels how tired his body is.

They realize that the beer has already run out, and both of them admit that liquor would be too much of a risk after their drift, so they turn to soda instead. They stand together, leaning on one of the tables that has been pushed to the side, and observe the crowd around them.

«I can't quite believe I'm here to see this,» Raleigh says.

Mako nods and takes a sip of her drink. «I know. When Striker Eureka...» She stops for a second, but quickly starts again without even twitching. «was lost, I did not think we would make it out alive. It is a good feeling to be here.»

Raleigh would like to talk to her about Pentecost. He would like to say that he is sorry, that it is unfair that she should lose someone who meant so much to her. But he knows from experience that life doesn't stop to consider fairness. He also knows that Mako would not want him to pity her, that she would not care for his apologies. She will grieve in her own way and Raleigh will be there next to her to make sure she gets through it all. That is all he has to do.

They talk together for a few more minutes, mentioning plans for the future. Mako wants to have a dog, which Raleigh finds both endearing and sad. It hurts a little to know that she has never had time to keep a pet before.

Not once do they discuss whether or not they are going to stay together.

Their conversation is interrupted by a young tech with bright orange hair. They greet Mako by using her first name and Raleigh catches a memory of them working on restoring Gypsy Danger together. The tech congratulates them both, but their affection lies with Mako and machines. They are curious about the drift, about what Gypsy Danger felt like when you were inside her more than in a geographic sense. Raleigh feels a little weird, hearing their conversation. He supposes it is how it would feel if two friends started talking about his brother without including him in the discussion. He realizes that he feels jealous of the tech. Raleigh is the one supposed to know Gypsy the best. But after the years he spent building the wall while Gypsy was being salvaged and upgraded, he knows her a little less than before. The unexpected sword that had suddenly felt like an extension of his arm was proof of that. He also realizes that he will never get to know her more. Gypsy Danger lies in pieces in the remnants of a dying world.

He listens to them chat for a while, then turns towards the rest of the PPDC staff. Tendo is dancing with his wife, terribly, but the big smile on their faces make their lack of a rhythm less obvious. Doctor Gottlieb and Geiszler have apparently finished their medical examination at some point, and the biologist is pouring himself a shot of something under the disapproving eye of his colleague.

The music starts getting to Raleigh's head. Every bass echoes through his skull, giving him the impression that he is living inside a giant heart that is beating around him. He thinks of the alien world. The whole place had looked _alive_ , like one single organism. He shudders at the thought, at what little he had been able to see of the place.

He wonders if he should talk about his experience to someone. It would probably have to be with Geiszler, as he is the expert on kaiju biology. Raleigh winces at the thought. The scientist's... enthusiasm, or fascination, or whatever it is that the man has for the creatures that killed his brother and almost eradicated the human race, makes him uncomfortable. Add that to the man's hot temperament and any conversation between the two of them would probably be a bomb waiting to go off.

He will cross that bridge when he comes to it, Raleigh thinks.

His head still hurts. Mako glances at him from where she is talking, and he nods slightly in her direction. She nods back. Raleigh stretches his arms above his head and starts walking towards the door of the mess hall. He is stopped a few times along the way by people who want to thank him. He does his best to smile, answers them politely and acts natural.

Finally, he reaches the door and steps through it and into the quiet. He starts breathing a little more easily. He just stands there for a while, until someone else opens the door behind him and he has to step away. Two drunken women stumble past him, each with one arm around the other's shoulders.

Raleigh decides to walk around a bit. Hopefully, it will let him clear his head. He could also just go to sleep, but has a feeling he won't be able to, and not just because of the noise level.

So he walks, through the cold corridors of the Hong Kong Shatterdome. He has no destination in mind until he finds himself overlooking the empty Jaeger Bay. There is another figure sitting in front of the railing, and Raleigh settles down quietly next to Herc Hansen.


	4. Hercules Hansen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for posting this chapter so late, I got distracted by the fact that I got to spend a few days in Berlin! Delicious food for me meant delay for you. Life's not fair.
> 
> I'm gonna try to get back on schedule and post the next chapter before the end of Saturday, though.
> 
> As always, big thanks to lycanandproud on tumblr for betaing this fic. Any mistakes you might still find are all my own.
> 
> References to the extended canon include: references to Angela (Herc’s wife), Scott Hansen (Herc’s brother and first co-pilot with whom he stopped piloting after a conflict caused by something seen in the drift) and the fact that Herc was a Mark I pilot and went to the Jaeger academy around the same time as Pentecost.

Herc Hansen is looking down at the Jaeger Bay, a beer near his hand and Max lying down on his left. He is distractedly petting the dog with his one good hand, but the animal doesn't seem to mind. For once, the fact that the dog is calmer than usual brings more relief than worry. Herc guesses that even Max knows something is wrong. He takes a sip of his beer.

He had promised himself to enjoy the celebration and not think about much else for at least one night, but that was before the loneliness of the crowd got to him. He could not help but look for familiar faces in the remnants of the PPDC staff. Of course, there are techs he knows by name, as well as the crew in charge of the launching and maintenance of Striker Eureka. There is Tendo Choi, with whom he gets along well enough. There is Hermann Gottlieb, who had worked on the code of his first Mark I. But with Stacker and the Kaidanovskys all gone, there is no one left from the first batch of Jaeger pilots. And with Chuck gone, there is no one left from his family.

He is proud of his son. He thinks he could never be more proud. He is proud of his son for telling him he loved him, in his own way, never out loud but loud enough. Herc knows he should have talked more, knows he should have been more of a presence in his Chuck's life instead of spending his whole time at work for the Pan-Pacific Defense Corps. He wishes the young man had spent less time with machines as his only source of reassurance. In their last moments together, he wishes he had given Chuck a hug.  


“ _When you have a shot, you take it.”  
_

There are so many things he wishes he had done.

_(“I know them all.”)_

He sighs, eyes going back to the empty space were Stiker Eureka used to proudly stand.

Herc hears footsteps from behind him, and Max raises his head to see who is coming but quickly lets if flop back down. A few seconds later, Raleigh Becket is sitting on his left.

They keep silent for a while, looking down at the emptiness.

«This place used to be constantly full of movement,» Herc says. «There was always at least one crew working on something. Even when we only had four Jaegers.»

«I know. I came here a few times with Mako.»

Hercules nods. «Of course. She's spent most of her life in places like this, and the last four years working on Gypsy Danger. She knows this bay better than anyone else.»

 _But Raleigh knows that_ , Herc thinks. He has drifted with Mako in what was one of the strongest neural handshakes ever recorded. He doesn't need Herc to tell him about his drift partner. But maybe Herc needs to say these kinds of things. Maybe he needs to talk about what others already know, just to be sure the words have been said out loud at least once.

«She does,» Raleigh acknowledges.

Herc finally turns to look at him. _You look like shit, son,_ is his first thought. Raleigh's hair is flattened against his skull, his eyes are slightly red and the skin below them is dark. He is slouching as he sits, as if simply too tired to keep himself upwards. Herc hadn't really expected him to look any other way, but he is still surprised. The Raleigh who walked into the Shatterdome with enough bravado to pick a fight with Chuck on his very first day looks like he has never existed. Nearly dying in an alien universe has to leave scars somehow. He is lucky enough to be alive, even more to be in good enough shape to walk and talk.

«Your son was very brave, today,» Raleigh says without look at him.

Herc feels his chest ache. _Yes, he was._

«You should be proud of him.»

_I am._

He knows that Raleigh is giving him an opening. He is giving him the option to voice his grief if he wants to. Maybe Raleigh would even understand. He has lost family too, after all. He has lost a drift partner too. But what can Herc say?

_I hated him so much, sometimes. Hated his attitude. But, truly, I only hated him because I loved him so much. I was scared he would lose himself in this war. But not in this way. Although, in this way too._

«I know,» Herc replies instead.

That is true, of course.

«How do you get up in the morning after something like this?» He asks Raleigh after a few seconds. He knows this question is vague, but cannot explain what he means to himself either. Maybe the other pilot will figure it out.

Raleigh shrugs, then lies back a little, hands extended behind him. «You don't, really,» he says. «I mean, of course, you keep going. But when you wake up it doesn't really feel like a morning _after_. It's a new day, sure, but it's not a new age or anything. You keep doing what you'd been doing all along. You open your eyes, you stand up, you walk. You fail at things. You succeed at others. You pretend a whole lot so others don't see a difference. You survive.»

Herc sighs. «I remember a time when we called it living.»

«Yeah, well. You're old, man.»

Raleigh smiles sadly. Herc does the same. Chuck had been right about that. He _is_ old. Older than most in this Shatterdome, older than a lot of people who have not survived the Kaiju War. Maybe it's not fair for him to be the one left standing at the end. Seeing his son sacrifice himself while he was left feeling useless in LOCCENT didn't feel fair at all.

«I do wonder if we'll go back to that.» Raleigh continues. «Living, I mean. I guess we will.»

«Humanity is going to adapt. It will forget. Or remember something different, something more heroic. More glamorous.»

«But you won't.»

It's not a question. Of course Herc won't forget. And Raleigh won't either. As long as they live, the truth will be there, and maybe their job is to pass it on to as many people as possible.

«I want to keep the Shatterdome alive,» Herc says. He wasn't certain before, but now he is. He needs to do this. There is still so much they can learn from the Breach and the kaiju. And... and the PPDC itself. There's a party going on downstairs, a party filled with people from different countries who met and lived here, who saved the world together. Some of them fell in love, some of them started bands. They're all here, because in the face of complete annihilation, people decided to unite and face the threat together. _The_ _Pan-Pacific Defense Corps_ _is a symbol_ , Herc realises. Just like Stacker Pentecost was a symbol for all of the staff here. The man who would not fall. The PPDC itself is a symbol to humanity.

He wants it to stay that way. All the pilots who died will not have done it in vain if they can prove to the world that cooperation _works_.

Then, there is the part that he doesn't want to consider. The part where he _has_ to keep the Shatterdome alive, because they don't know if they'll need it in the future or not. If an alien race tried to take possession of the earth by engineering a race of blood-thirsty monsters, would they stop because humans have blocked their access route once? There is no way to be sure that another Breach will not open.

«I'll keep this thing running as long as they let me.»

«I'm glad to hear it,» Raleigh replies. After a beat. «I don't know what I'm going to do yet.»

Herc turns to him again. _You should get some sleep, kid,_ he thinks.

He wants to ask about the Other World. He wants to know what Raleigh saw there, what exactly the creatures who killed his son and wife are like. What their universe looked like to make them want to colonize another planet. He doesn't think it is the right time. It is way too soon for this, just like it is too soon for him to go ask Doctor Gottlieb and Doctor Geiszler exactly what they did with Otachi's baby to figure out how to make Operation Pitfall work. They all need to get some rest first.

He hopes that they will actually get to do that. He has been working for Pentecost a long time, he has seen how governments and media are. They will want to use every piece of information the PPDC has found, will want to claim it for themselves. They will make each pilot a national hero, will want them to parade around for the pleasure of the masses. Someone has to be there to make sure they are remembered as a team.

In the end, Herc asks: «Why the Wall?»

He takes another sip of his beer and starts petting Max again as the dog quietly wags his tail.

Raleigh takes his time to answer. Surely this isn't the first time someone has asked him this?

«I'm not sure, exactly. I was lost. Without Yancy I... I didn't think I could be useful to anyone. I didn't think there was anything I could do on my own. Building the Wall was... It was easy. You worked for the whole day, you got paid in food, you didn't think, you didn't talk. People gave me shit when they realized I used to be a pilot. I... At the time, I thought I deserved it.»

Herc nods, urging Raleigh on.

«They believed in the Wall. The people who worked there. I mean, most of them did. Some days I actually believed in it too. Well, in a way. I knew what the kaiju could do but... but the Jaeger programm _had_ failed. Or... at least, _I_ had _._ So I went to the Wall.»

Herc nods. When the Jaeger started falling... It had been hard for everyone. Herc had had his son to fight for. Chuck had never been the best student at the Jaeger Academy, but he had been dedicated. He had always been hard-working, and the Jaeger project was his life. He had given it everything.

Herc sighs. There's no Wall to go to anymore. And there's no Jaeger to fight in. But life goes on.

«I fought in four different Jaegers,» Herc says. «Now there's none of them left.»

Raleigh nods.

«It feels too goddamn silent.»

Raleigh nods again.

Herc feels sick, knowing he's not gonna pilot again. Drifting has become part of his language. That's how he communicated with Chuck. That's how he communicated with Scott before he found out that... No. He doesn't want to go down that path.

But he can't drift anymore. He doesn't have anyone to drift with, not even the comforting static that the Jaegers bring. It somehow feels as terrifying as an apocalypse.

Max whines next to him, and Herc scratches him under the neck. He finishes his beer in one gulp and stands up. «Come on, boy,» he says as he extends a hand to help Raleigh up. «Old man needs some rest. And you really don't look good, so you should probably go to bed too.»

«Yeah, I really should,» Raleigh replies. He runs a hand through his short blond hair and gives one last look to the Jaeger Bay. «I really should.»

They part way after that. Herc knows Raleigh isn't going to go to sleep right away. He will want to find Mako first. The way those two have connected is surreal. Their neural handshake almost impossibly strong and their personal lives aligning with each other's in the space of days. Herc thinks that, just because of that, they'll be okay. They have each other and they have already survived so much that they couldn't not be okay even if they tried.

He looks at himself. He too has survived until now. That has to mean something.

He walks quietly towards his quarters. The music from the Mess Hall hums through the whole Shatterdome. He crosses a few drunk people on the way. Most of them look happy, but he sees one or two crying. The one who seems worst off is just sitting on the floor, hands to his face, sobs tearing through his body like claws. Herc crouches next to the man to see what is wrong, but he just tells him to go away. So Herc does, leaving him with a pat on the shoulder.

Sometimes there's nothing you can do. So you do the most ridiculous thing. You fire flare guns at a kaiju and you pat a crying man on the shoulder, and you go on.

Herc wonders if he believes in God. He has never asked himself that question. He is not like Tendo, to whom religion is a last resort, but he wonders if he could be. He would like to imagine that God is real. That there is such a place as Heaven. Maybe Chuck is there by now. Maybe he's spending time with Angela, finally enjoying the family life he never had.

The mere idea of it seems ludicrous.

He has never regretted the decision he made on K-Day. If Chuck learned to blame him for the death of his mother, it is nothing compared to how much Herc would have blamed himself if he had chosen Angela. He can still picture her in his mind, though the memories are no longer as alive as they were and tend to resemble photographs more and more.

If they hadn't drifted together, Chuck would probably not have missed his mother as much as he had. Maybe it would all have been easier. Or maybe he wouldn't have been able to know either of his parents at all and it would have been much, much worse.

But who cares about possibilities? He has no right to. All the decisions he took, he took them of his own free will, and he would take them again.

Max whines next to his leg, and he can hear his son's voice asking him to take care of the dog. He crouches down. «Just you and me, huh?» he says as he scratches Max below the neck.

Herc stands back up and keeps walking through the Shatterdome silently. Before he finally reaches his quarters, he passes in front of Stacker Pentecost's room. For a few seconds, he stays in front of the door, hesitating. It had been Stacker's policy to always leave it open.  
_«Overcommunicate, even if that means waking me in the middle of the night, got it?»_

Herc enters the room. As always, he is hit by the serenity of the place. His chest tightens.

_«That's my son you've got there. My son.»_

He had been by Stacker's side for a long time. The two of them and the Kaidanovskys had been remnants of the old age. Herc actually only met Stacker in person after the man had stopped piloting, but that doesn't mean he doesn't know how great a ranger he had been. A great pilot and a great man. You had to be to keep a Jaeger working on your own, develop cancer from the radiation and still go on like it didn't mean a thing.

Herc can't think of anyone else he'd have trusted to take care of his son, but it hadn't been enough.

He closes the door behind him and walks to Stacker's desk. He lets himself fall in the chair. He bends his head, rests it in his hand and waits.

Max barks a little, then decides to explore the room on his own. He laps at the water separating the two parts of the room.

Herc Hansen waits for tears to fall. Nothing comes. He thinks of the man who had been his friend, a second brother when he couldn't forgive his own. Nothing comes. He thinks of his son, the pilot with an attitude, who constantly acted like a rockstar because he couldn't bear to see his own weaknesses reflected at him. The pilot with an attitude who sacrificed his life without hesitation, because it was the right thing to do. Nothing comes. He thinks of his wife he hadn't been able to save. Thinks of the first few weeks after K-Day when Chuck kept asking about his mother every morning, thinks of the nightmare he'd had because _he could have saved her._ Except no, he couldn't have.

His cheeks stay dry and that is perhaps the most frustrating thing.

He stays like this a little while longer, hoping for the waves of sadness to take him under and leave him dry and tired enough to sleep. He _is_ tired. Exhausted, even. His right arm hurts.

But he cannot shake the feeling that if he tries to go to sleep now it will only be to stare at the emptiness he feels around him.

On a whim, he opens one of Stacker's drawers. He had promised himself to take a night off, to drink a little, forget about responsibilities and losses and just enjoy himself. He had promised himself not to think about the future for at least a day, but the past is even more painful, so what else can he do?

He takes out a few files from that drawer, then a few more from the one underneath. He puts them in two separate piles on the desk, then starts reading through the first one.

It seems to contain the most recent files, the ones that haven't been approved for the archives. In them he finds the last rapport from K-Science, only half understandable. It's supposed to be an explanation of the first drift experiment, but the few passages that aren't confused gibberish give very little technical information. Herc thinks Gottlieb probably helped write this and make it somewhat presentable, but he couldn't make up facts to add to his colleague's vague description. This is probably for the best.

The mere idea of drifting with a kaiju makes him sick. He knows it had to be done, but still. When Stacker had said it, Herc had almost stopped him.

_«Newton, I need you to do it again.»_

In the end he had let the sentence hang in the hair because it was true. They had needed it. So when Newton had said _«I can't,»_ in a broken voice, Herc had silently replied _«But you have to.»_ Did he regret it? Yes. In the same way he regretted not saving his wife. So not at all. Thinking like that was the only way to be able to look at himself in the mirror.

Attached to the report are pictures from the brain scan they had make Geiszler take before he went out to find Hannibal Chau. The point of them wasn't to say whether or not the biologist had been healthy, but whether or not he had been dying. The answer was no, so they had sent him on his way.

In time of war, decisions have to be made. You choose the ones you're most likely to be able to live with.

Maybe that's another part of why Raleigh decided to go to the wall. Maybe at least that way he felt like he had a chance to survive. But what does hat say about Herc, then?

He closes the file, knowing that there will soon be another one like this, with brain scans probably even more terrifying than this one. But they lived through their decisions, so that has to mean something.

Max whines where he has come to lie at Herc's feet. He puts the files back into their respective drawers and leaves the room. He waits for a second before closing the door. He wants to say goodbye. He was wrong in thinking that he could put off the mourning until tomorrow. Tomorrow there won't be time. Tomorrow he will come back to this room, except it will be different. It won't be Stacker's room anymore.

But someone has to keep standing up for all the people in the PPDC and for all the people who gave their lives to it.

He closes the door.

«Come, Max. Come.»

He finally gets to his own quarters and takes the time to feed the dog before he undresses to go to sleep. When Max settles himself near his feet at the end of the bed, Herc can't find it in himself to push him off.

Tomorrow he will wake up. And life will go on.

And maybe one day he'll even find out how to live it again.


	5. Mako Mori.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And... Back on schedule!
> 
> As always, thanks a lot to lycanandproud on tumblr for helping me out with this fic.
> 
> A few references to extended canon are made in this chapter, but nothing that should confuse readers too much. Except maybe the fact that Caitlin Lightcap is the scientist who first developed the drift.

Mako's head aches a little from the beer, but the dancing has helped her clear her thoughts. She keeps talking with Erin as she watches Raleigh leave.  
She has to get used to the man's presence, to the fact that some of her secrets are now flowing around in his head. It is strange. She thinks she should be scared of it. Of course, there had been no time to be afraid before. When the kaiju needed to be stopped, her personal thoughts hadn't mattered at all, and she would have shared them with virtually anyone if it meant being able to pilot a Jaeger. Now, though, she realises that she will need to adapt to this new lack of privacy. Or is it just a new _form_ of privacy? She cannot help but feel like her feelings _belong_ there, in the space of the drift she had shared with Raleigh and Gypsy Danger.

The Jaeger had been beautiful. She had realised that, during her first disastrous drift, she hadn't even had time to feel the machine connect to her. But the second and third times had been amazing.

She says so to Erin, who nods enthusiastically. Mako knows that the tech has always been full of admiration for Jaeger pilots. They had been rejected during the first round of tests at the Jaeger academy, and gone into J-Tech instead, with no hard feelings whatsoever for those who had actually completed the Jaeger pilot formation. When the two of them had started to work together on restoring Gypsy Danger, Erin had pressed Mako for details of her time at the academy, which she had provided with ease. It had been nice to have someone see her as a true pilot, even when she hadn't had a chance to prove herself yet.

She knows that Marshal Pentecost had always believed in her abilities. She knows it because he'd been there supervising her training, had been there giving her harsh criticism in the hope of making her even better. He had called her one of their brightest, she knows that too. But as much as he had pushed her forward, he had also held her back, kept her in the training rooms instead of in the field actually fighting, and there were times during which she had hated him for it. He had wanted to protect her, of course, but the whole point of becoming a pilot had been that she would be able to protect herself.

So having people around who did not know her as the fragile child she had been but only as the sharpened blade she had turned herself into was comforting.

«It's so amazing to know we can actually communicate with machines,» Erin says, orange hair brushing their shoulder as they shake their head. «Like, this is not just an automated response to stimuli, it's an actual sense of self that you can tap into, right?»

Mako nods. She had known about it before, had heard the legends of Jaegers moving without their pilots, had heard the rangers talk about the connections they had with their machines. But actually drifting with Gypsy? Having her _recognise_ her? It had been more than she could ever have expected.

«It is a strange feeling. It exists in the same plane as the neural handshake you have with your partner, but the connexion is different, more direct. It is like the machine _wants_ to work as one with you.»

«It's amazing,» Erin replies, taking a sip of their drink.

_It is,_ Mako thinks. She is lucky to have experienced it. At the same time, though, it feels like a curse. She has given up a lot to get where she is now. Hearing all the people around her talking about how they are going to go back to their old life now that the Kaiju War is over has reminded her that she does not have an old life to get back to. She is thankful that nobody has yet told her that they are jealous of her. She does not want to have to explain how many of her choices she regrets.

When Stacker Pentecost had decided to detonate Striker Eureka's nuclear load, she told him that she loved him. She still does. She loves him as a teacher and as a father, for he was truly her family in all of the years that followed the death of her parents. She wishes she had told him more often. She wishes they had been closer, wishes he had been more open about his sickness. She wishes she had pictures of him that she could carry around from one place to the other, pictures to make sure she would never forget his face.

She thinks of the red shoe in her room, a relic from a life that now seems completely detached from her own. She remembers her childhood as something she lost, not much more. She is no longer able to describe what her real parents looked like. When she thinks of them, she thinks of her father teaching her how a sword is made, she thinks of making her mother proud, and she thinks of the fear their absence put in her as she ran through the streets of Tokyo, scared and alone.

She will try to think of her sensei when she is happy. That way she might not forget him as quickly.

Mako pours herself a drink. She does not take the time to read what is written on the bottle, just fills her plastic cup. She drinks half of it in one gulp. Erin is frowning. She shrugs at them.

«Hey there, people,» Tendo Choi suddenly says as he comes near them to get a re-fill of his own. «How's it going? Did you bore Raleigh to death by talking tech around him?»

Erin laughs awkwardly, embarrassed.

«We did not,» Mako replies. «The loud music was making him tired.»

«Yeah. After what he went through, the guy deserves some quiet.» He pats Mako on the shoulder. «I'm glad you're still with us, though.»

Erin spots someone in the crowd and excuses themself. Tendo watches them go, a frown darkening his expression.  
«Did I scare them off or something?» he asks, apparently seriously wondering.

Mako laughs softly. «I do not think you could scare Erin if you tried. They just like talking to different people.»

«Okay, well, if you say so.» He settles against the table and takes a sip of the same liquor Mako poured for herself. He makes a face. «Wow. This shit tastes like fermented bubblegum.»

Mako shrugs. It does taste very sweet, and not like what she usually drinks. But it's not really bad either.

«Where is Mrs Choi?» she asks.

Tendo laughs at her, almost spitting out is liquor. «Call her Alison. Seriously. She might try to kill me if I let you call her Mrs Choi.»

She frowns. «But you are married, aren't you?»

«We are. She kept her last name, though. Said it would get to my head otherwise.»

«I see.»

Tendo smiles.

The two of them have known each other for a while now. When what was left of Gypsy Danger had been brought to Hong Kong for restoration, Tendo had stood in the Bay waiting for it.

_«I knew her,»_ he had said when Mako asked him why he was there. As head of LOCCENT, he had looked over her work and congratulated her warmly when Gypsy had looked _«like her old self again.»_

Now, though, Mako knows him more. She knows him from five years ago, when Tendo still worked in Anchorage. She remembers him complaining about the weather, blaming his Chinese blood and making Yancy roll his eyes. She remembers the first time he mentioned Alison, _«a girl from munition who had the prettiest smile he'd ever seen_ ».She remembers not believing him when he'd said that.

«How does it feel to save the word?» Tendo asks.

Mako looks down at her drink. «It is tiring,» she replies with the tiniest hint of a smile.

Tendo laughs and claps her on the shoulder again. «You don't say. You nearly died out there, kid.»

She would like to protest against being called a child, but the affection in Tendo's voice keeps her from doing so.

«I am aware. Perhaps I should have said _confusing_ instead of _tiring_ , though it seems to be both.»

«Confusing?»

She nods. «I was very little on K-Day. Now I have to adapt to a whole new reality, free of the kaiju. I have new sets of memories floating around in my mind.» She takes a breath and looks down. «I have to come to terms with losing my family again.»

She realizes that she has not just lost the Marshal.  
Even if the Shatterdome isn't shut down, a lot of the staff will probably leave in a few days. These people she has been working with for years will exit her life and never come back.

Tendo puts a hand on her shoulder, and she has just enough time to look up to his face before he is hugging her.

«It's okay, kid. It's okay to be confused and sad. But you should be proud of yourself too. There should be a little pride that comes with saving the world.»

Her smile is genuine as they break the embrace. Even if her memories of him are no longer just her own, Tendo is still a friend she can count on.

«Thank you. Thank you for saving the world too.»

«Cheers to that,» Tendo replies, raising his cup filled with pink liquor.

Mako is giggling as she leaves the Mess Hall. She knows her balance is far from perfect and that she probably went too far with the alcohol. She doesn't care. It feels nice. Her defenses are lowered and she can finally feel how much of her energy usually goes into them.

She hums the last song she and Raleigh had danced to as she walks through the hallways of the Shatterdome. She knows she is probably terribly off-key but no one is listening to her so she doesn't see why she should care. She sees a couple kissing next to an open door and makes shushing noises at them, adding vague gestures so that they understand they should probably take it inside. The couple laughs, at her or with her. She doesn't care. Mako feels lighter than air and keeps walking.

She wants to sing but doesn't know the words to the song. Humming suddenly stops being fun, so she falls silent. She realizes that she is already far from the Mess, and the hallway is almost completely quiet. She feels cold. She hasn't changed her clothes since she climbed inside of Gypsy Danger with Raleigh and her tank top is sticky with sweat. She stops walking and looks around herself.

She doesn't know where she is.

A new song starts playing and its heavy bass echoes accross the 'Dome, reminding Mako of stomping feet in an alley in Tokyo. And suddenly she is on the ground because the legs of a little girl cannot support the weight of an adult and her foot hurts because she fell on it or because she lost her shoe she cannot remember which one it is but she is cold and she is scared and so she starts crying.

She hugs her knees to her chest as she sniffles. Where are her mom and dad? They told her to run and she did but then she lost them and she lost her brand new shoe but she found it again except her foot hurts now. Where is her sensei? He was supposed to let her fight in a Jaeger, and he did, and she won except she didn't have time to thank him and he said to find him in the drift but she doesn't know what to drift with now that Gypsy Danger is gone. Where is Raleigh? He said he wouldn't leave her except he didn't but she understood because she knows they have to be together.

There's a part of her missing now, because all that was _hers_ is now _his_ too. But she's not sad about that, she's not sad about the part of her that is missing, she's sad because all the parts _around her_ are missing too and that is what being alone feels like. She might be used to being lonely, but she was supposed to never be alone anymore.

Part of Mako knows that she shouldn't be crying, that that is not what she usually does. But who cares about decorum in a night like this? Who cares about what is polite and respectful when they just saved the world? She knows she should be happy, but they didn't save everyone, and that hurts so much that she's not sure she'll be able to keep breathing for much longer.

She wishes she could drive a sword through the heart of her sadness. It wouldn't undo all the pain she has already felt. But maybe it would stop it from spreading to other people. And it would give her a goal. Something to guide her way through life.

She doesn't know what to do anymore.

Mako hears footsteps approaching and tries to muffle her sobs in her arms. She almost regrets the strands of blue in her hair that make her immediately recognizable.

A hand settles on her shoulder, and the weight of it is familiar enough for Mako to raise her head.

Raleigh is standing above her. He still hasn't changed either, which means that his t-shirt clings to his chest. There are tears in his eyes and Mako swallows around the lump in her throat. She mimics an earlier gesture and pulls him down next to her by the wrist. It would probably be preferable to move out of the way, but right now Mako doesn't think she can do that.

«Raleigh, I don't...» she gets out between sobs. «I don't know what to...»

«It's okay,» her co-pilot says. He shuffles a bit until he is half behind her, and circles her with his arms and has her lean against his chest. They had adopted the same position after their first drift together. The various points of contact keep them anchored to the present.

_It's not, really._

Raleigh said he hadn't thought of the future before. But what about Mako? All her life she had sharpened herself like a blade, and her only goal had been to kill the kaiju. Now they're gone and she is at a loss. She said she would first wait and see if the PPDC could still use them. In her heart she wishes that they'll never stop needing her. She knows it's the wrong thing to wish for, because you do not need soldiers if there is no war for them to fight. She wishes it anyway.

They stay like that. Raleigh starts sobbing quietly at some point too. Mako can feel it echo through her chest. After a while, Mako turns around.

Her drift partner's eyes are a mess of red veins and blue, rendered vague by the tears in them. Hers are probably not better.

She smiles a bit. She knows it is not a pretty smile, but it is as close to a thank you as she can get in this state so she tries anyway. She does not know why Raleigh is crying, but he is crying with her. That alone is a comfort. She needed him and now he is here, and she is not alone. She does not like seeing her friend cry, but crying with him is better than the both of them being on their own. From the way his arms are tight around her, she thinks he feels the same way.

Mako tilts her head a little and brings their forehead together. When they are resting like that, it feels as though they are drifting again. They can read in each other's eyes and every movement one does translates as an intention in the other's thoughts.

Mako thinks back to the first time she met Raleigh. She had seen the way he walked and categorized him as arrogant. Then he had proved to her she was as arrogant as him by interrupting the conversation in Japanese she had wanted to be private. That was the first time she had thought she might have a chance to drift with him.

They breathe each other's air like this, too. It should be disgusting, really, what with all the alcohol she had and how they really haven't been thinking about hygiene these past few days. It isn't. It's just intimate and comfortable.

They hold each other's gaze as they both slowly stop crying, their emotions stabilizing together. Mako wonders if this is why most of the people who drift together are either couples or family members. Relying on someone this much is terrifying and demands an amount of trust no one is quite ready for. She doesn't regret drifting with Raleigh, however, because if she needs him he needs her right back.

How could she have even thought he would abandon her?

«I'm sorry,» she whispers, eyes closed and forehead still touching his.

She can feel Raleigh smile. «Then I'm sorry too,» he replies.

She shakes her head. He has no right to find exactly the right words to say. «That is not how it works.»

Raleigh pulls back a little to look her in the eye. «Nobody knows how it works, not really. The Drift doesn't have any fixed rules. The _Apocalypse_ doesn't have any fixed rules. Nobody can say how things are supposed to be between us.»

She considers that. It is at least partly true. Nobody really understands the Drift. Even Doctor Lightcap hadn't known everything about it, even if she created it nearly on her own.

Mako's thoughts feel slow and sluggish. She regrets drinking so much and eating so little, since she can now feel all of the nausea alcohol often causes without any of the euphoria it usually brings her.

«I don't know what to do now,» Mako says. «I act like I do, but I don't. I'm just copying the way I was before.»

Raleigh runs a hand through her hair. «It's okay. We don't have to figure things out now. We've got time. We've got the rest of our lives.»

_And, for once, that means more than two weeks._

It's Mako's turn to put her arms around Raleigh's chest. She buries her face into his shoulder. The stench of sweat is strong, but she smells as bad so she ignores it.

It has been a long time since she was held like this. Maybe since her parents died. But she has more memories, memories of Raleigh hugging his little sister goodbye, how it had been so bittersweet because he wanted to leave, wanted to be a Jaeger pilot now that he knew it was something he could do, but leaving part of his family behind always hurt. She has a memory of Yancy hugging a girl like this too, a girl that had been so sad she had tried to kiss him, and when he had pushed her away she had all but collapsed in his arms.

It is strange to have access to some of Yancy's thoughts and feelings, because she only sees them through the lens of Raleigh's judgement. That is why thinking of the big brother she never had fills her with nostalgia not her own. There are also some more painful memories, filled with anger and jealousy, and those are often tinged with regret.

«Can we get a dog?» she asks softly into Raleigh's shirt, savouring the _we_ like a treat.

Her drift partner's laughter echoes through her own body and fills her with a happiness stronger than the one alcohol had provided.

«Of course we can get a dog. We can even have two if you want.»

«No, I think one should be enough.»

They break the embrace and look each other in the eye. Then Raleigh scrambles to his feet and pulls her up. She is still slightly drunk, so it is awkward for her to stand, but Raleigh is so exhausted he cannot seem to walk straight either. So she puts one arm around his shoulders and he puts one arm around her back and together they manage to walk in a line that does not seem too wobbly.

Mako realizes that they are closer to their rooms than she thought. It takes them less than five minutes to reach Raleigh's door and get it open. Mako follows him through and into the room, and neither of them even thinks about asking questions. It just feels natural to be together. It feels safe. So Raleigh strips down to his underwear and Mako does the same, also taking off her sports bra. She carefully folds her dirty clothes on the ground. Raleigh drapes his over the back of a chair.

The standard PPDC bed is small, already uncomfortable for one if that person tends to spread out as they sleep. Fitting two people on it is like playing some kind of puzzle. Mako feels thankful for the lack of distance it forces them to put between each other.

When she is like this, she can hold the parts of her that are in Raleigh, and he can hold the parts of him that are in her. And together they can create something new. They have the time for that, now.

She falls asleep to that thought.


	6. Hermann Gottlieb.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: this chapter might make you fall in love with a watch. At least that's what my awesome beta, lycanandproud on tumblr, says.
> 
> References are made to Vanessa, Hermann's wife, and their unborn child, which I took the freedom of naming and gendering.
> 
> Thank you for sticking with me and with this story. This was the first PacRim fic I ever wrote, as well as the first story exploring so many point of views that I ever wrote. I truly feel like I learned a lot working on it. And I hope you've enjoyed this mess at least a bit!

Hermann Gottlieb wakes up to a sore body and a headache. He is disoriented for a few seconds, before everything comes back to him.

_Operation Pitfall._

_Drifting with Newton and a kaiju._

_The Breach being destroyed._

_The brain scans._

_The_ party.

_Oh, Gott._ Newton had dragged him to the party going on in the Mess Hall, despite the fact that they had still been waiting for their scan results beyond a «well, you're not dying» and that alcohol and loud music were the two things the least likely to put their brains in better shape. The headache is thus not unexpected.

He is assaulted by blurry pictures of a soft light biting at his eyes. There is a foul taste in his mouth and he groans.

He hasn't had any alcoholic drinks last night. This is not really happening.

He sighs again as he finally realizes that he's going through one of Newton's memories. It does explain why his vision is so blurry, since he has recently learned first-hand that the cryptozoologist is practically blind if he takes off his glasses.

Hermann tries to push the memory away. He has learned that focusing on his own life helps stop the foreign impressions from lingering. He is curious, of course. Discovering new depths to his colleague of years is a fascinating experience. But every memory from Newton could potentially pave the way for a memory of the kaiju. So curiosity is out of the question.

He gets up slowly once his vision clears and starts his morning stretching routine, hoping that the ache all through his right hip and leg will subside sooner rather than later. _Too much running will do that_ , he thinks. He is not too frustrated with it, though. They saved the world, after all.

He takes a moment to contemplate the events of the previous days. The announcement of a second double-event. The certainty that _there has to be three_. The desire to be right mixed with fear and desperation, the desire to understand.

_«I'll go with you.»_

The hope in Newton's voice, the confusion. The relief Hermann hadn't known the other had felt, not before they drifted together. The fear that had been eating at Newton, but that he had ignored because this was something he had to do, so he would do it.

Drifting with Newton and the kaiju had been a foolish idea. It had been insanely dangerous. But it had worked.

Hermann knows that he and his colleague will have to go to Medical again after their breakfast and get the results of their scans. He is not expecting it to go well. He is feeling better than the previous day, but it is still a painful effort to just keep his thoughts linear and not let them explode in the thousands of branches that form Newton's cognitive processes.

The man is... confusing. His thoughts race each other constantly. Instead of exploring possibilities one by one, he lets them all unfold simultaneously, creating a web of ideas vibrating at barely different frequencies. It is beautiful, in a way. Each work of reflection forms its own pattern. If he could map the currents of thoughts, he would be able to directly translate Newton's cognitive processes into art.

This is not his usual way of thinking. He forces himself out of it. Art has nothing to do with it. He has to focus on logic. Numbers. Numbers are logical. The beauty of them is only secondary.

He dresses himself quickly. He is relieved to see that his hands are not shaking anymore. The buttons of his shirt had been hell to work with the previous night and he would prefer never to re-live the experience. He wonders, not for the first time, how Newton is doing. The man drifted twice, and with a neural load stronger than that which Hermann has experienced. His tremors could conceivably last for several days, if not permanently. How do you do decide to take such risks?

Of course, Hermann knows the answer to that. It had been one of the most vivid memories inside of the drift. Newton had a history of self-experimentation, but not a death wish. He just knew it had to be done, and if the PPDC didn't give him the materials necessary to make it safe, he would do it the unsafe way. Like he had thought he would have to do from the start.

Jager pilots risked their lives every day to kill the kaiju, right? It was time someone returned the favor.

_«Fortune favors the brave, dude»,_ Newton had told himself as he pressed a button, forcing down his fear and bracing himself for the worst.

Someone bangs on Hermann's door. «Coming,» he says, finishing to tie up his shoes. Newton is standing right in front of him as he opens. The scientist looks awful, dark bags under his eyes and hair messier even than usual. Hermann wouldn't have thought that possible. Newton is not even wearing his trademark narrow tie.

«Are you okay, Newton?»

«What?» the other man answers, words coming to him more slowly than usual. «Me? Yeah, man. 'm fine. Kinda tired, whatever. I thought we could grab breakfast together.»

Hermann narrows his eyes, but picks up his jacket and his cane and exits the room anyway. «Have you slept at all?»

«I...» Newton frowns for a second. Something inside Hermann twists. «Yeah, no, I'm not gonna lie to you because I trust you enough to let you inside my head in times of crisis and that has to be worth something. So, um. I'm not exactly sure? If I slept or not. I'm not exactly sure if I slept or not.»

Newton is looking at him earnestly, his natural defenses lowered. Hermann has the weird urge to hug him. It's true that the two of them have been more tactile in the past two days than in nearly ten years of cooperation.

«Let's get you some coffee,» he says instead, and Newton nods eagerly as they make their way to the Mess Hall.

It is almost deserted when they come in, and half the kitchen staff is missing. The few people that are there also look exhausted, but they are smiling nonetheless. Hermann finds himself smiling back without even thinking about it.

The two colleagues grab a tray and pile some food onto their respective plates. Newton pours himself the biggest cup of coffee he can find.

They eat in silence for a while. Hermann appreciates it. Last night had been too noisy. The music, all the people talking and the thoughts in his head that were not supposed to be his, all of it had been too much. It feels reassuring to be surrounded by silence again. If he focuses enough, he can hear the sound his watch makes as it ticks away the seconds. Newton had called him old-fashioned when he had seen the old mechanical clock for the first time. It _is_ a bit old-fashioned. Still, Hermann times his breathing to the ticking sound and feels safe.

«News from the family yet?» Newton asks around a piece of bacon.

Hermann shakes his head. «I sent them all a text yesterday night saying I would contact them this morning.»

Newton nods. «That was kind of smart. Part of why I didn't sleep a lot is because I didn't think to turn down my phone.»

Now that the subject has been mentioned, Hermann can't help but think about his family. The war is over. He no longer has to blindly go where the PPDC sends him, he no longer has to work non-stop for months because the world depends on his calculations. He will get to see Vanessa again. He will get to see Andromeda's birth and watch her grow up. He smiles into his cup of tea.

The pregnancy hadn't been planned. He and his wife had been careless, and Vanessa had told him the news with tears in her eyes. But they had both wanted to keep the baby. They would have talked about having a child sooner if it hadn't been for the Kaiju War, but even thinking about the subject had seemed ridiculous when they weren't sure if humanity would survive another day. Still, when Vanessa had told him it would be a little girl, it had felt like a prayer. The two parents had looked each other in the eye and begged the universe to let their baby live.

_Something_ had apparently heard them.

Tendo Choi joins them at their table while his wife eats with a group of her friends. Newt frowns at the cup he is carrying.

«Is that hot chocolate?» he asks, suspiciously.

«Yup. No more all-nighters to pull, I thought I would start a detox on caffeine.»

Newton raises his fork at him. «I admire you. You're stupid and it will fail, but I admire you anyway.»

«Thanks for the confidence, man. Hi, Dr Gottlieb.»

«Hi, Mr Choi,» Hermann says warmly, sipping on his tea.

Tendo shoves a bagel into his mouth and chews before saying: «We're gonna be given a speech later this morning. Herc Hansen is kind of unofficially the Marshall now and he wants us all to meet up here. I guess it's gonna have to do with the future of the PPDC now that the War's over.»

Hermann nods. It is all logical. It takes him several seconds to notice that Newton has tensed up. He is not even sure he would have noticed anything if they hadn't drifted together. Now it seems obvious. Newton is playing with his food, which is not unusual, but he is tapping his fork against the plate in a rhythmical manner. Hermann waits for him to look up, raising an eyebrow as their gazes cross. Newton immediately looks down and starts worrying his lower lip.

The silent exchange hasn't gone unnoticed, and Tendo is frowning at both of them. Hermann slowly shakes his head at him. This is not something that should be shared.

«Okay, well...» He starts saying, but is cut by the communication lines turning themselves on. Herc Hansen's voice echoes through the room.

«Good morning, Shatterdome. Ranger Hercules Hansen here. I know you're all pissed off at me for waking you up and interrupting your hangover, but I need everyone to meet up in the Mess in an hour and would like you to be dressed at that time. Thank you.»

«Told you,» Tendo says, finishing his bagel. «See you in an hour, then?»

Newton and Hermann both nod and watch him as he goes back to Alison.

«No real point in going to Medical now, is there?» Newton asks, still playing with the leftovers on his plate.

Hermann shakes his head, trying to figure out what is really going through Newton's mind. It is not much easier after the drift than before, because the number of possible routes Newton's thoughts can take is still almost infinite.

Noticing the silence, the cryptozoologist raises his head.

«Are you okay?» Hermann asks. He is surprised when Newton all but flinches at the question.

«Yeah. I'm fine. Tired.»

Hermann finishes his tea and Newton his coffee. He dumps his leftovers in a bin and both scientists promise to meet each other again before the meeting announced by Herc Hansen.

They go back to their respective rooms. Hermann picks up his tablet from where it is lying on his desk and opens the Skype app. He tried many times to convince Vanessa to use a more reliable instant messaging service, but every time she had told him that if he wanted to program something he should work on the Jaegers and not on tweaking Skype.

There is a green dot next to her name signalling that she is online, but Hermann quickly calculates the time difference between Hong Kong and the UK and concludes that she has just forgotten to turn off the internet connection on her phone.

He sighs.

He hasn't been able to see her through other means that grainy webcams for six months. In all this time, he has been too busy to truly miss her, too engrossed in his calculations, too focused on predicting when the world was going to end, on predicting a way to _save it_.

Now, she and Andromeda are the only things he can think about, along with the rest of his family. He is not impatient to see his father again, not when Lars Gottlieb had defended the Wall of Life against the Jaeger Project, calling Hermann a fool for pursuing a childish dream of playing with robots when the earth was at stake. Truly, he would feel better knowing he never had to see his father again. But he does want to see his siblings once more, and his mother too. Drifting with Newton, he was able to witness the loneliness of being an only child. The other man's childhood memories were consistently more quiet than Hermann's.

He quickly types a message.

_I am doing well and will try to call you this afternoon. The future of the PPDC is still uncertain, but I should know more in a few hours._

_I will see you and Andromeda both soon._




_H._

Hermann sighs. It feels good to be able to promise something as simple as to see them again.

He takes his tablet with him and goes back to the Mess Hall, planning on sending off some e-mails while he waits to hear what Ranger Hansen has to say.

The room has started to fill while he and Newton were away, but he still finds half a table devoid of people and sits at the end of it.

He opens a blank e-mail to send to his siblings. He stares at it. There are so many things he wants to say and the words collide into each other, confused streams of thoughts that threaten to overwhelm him. He raises a hand to his temple. A frustration not his own rises inside of him, because he knows what he has to say. The results are there. They're _good_. They're _perfect_. He just can't find the right words to make them understand, to make them _see_ what it means and the more frustrated he is the more agitated he becomes, which makes his speech even harder to follow and he knows this but he just can't...

«Yo,» Newton says, flopping down in front of him. «You know, you might actually make that thing explode if you stare at it harder.» He points to the tablet and Hermann sighs.

He raises his head and their eyes cross. No flashbacks are brought forward, which is good. Newton still looks worried and overly restrained, which is less so.

«Are you o...»

Newton raises a hand and interrupts him. «Dude. Stop. Don't even go there, I'm _so_ sick of it.»

He looks angry now, which is a more familiar look, but his diction is still colder than usual.

«You were in my head. I was in yours. You know I hate when people ask me that and I know _you_ hate when people do the same to you. So let's just skip that part, okay?»

«I...»

«That was a rhethorical question.»

Newton looks down at the phone in his hands, fiddling with it but not actually using it for anything. Hermann is at a loss. Through ten years of knowing him, he has never seen Newton like this. Or perhaps... Perhaps he just hasn't looked close enough.

There had been times... Times when Newton hadn't looked up from his work for days, times when the music on his headphones had been loud enough for _Hermann_ to hear and complain about but Newton had just pretended not to hear him, times when his colleague had gone to bed earlier than usual, shouting «goodnight» with a smile that had felt sharp and unnatural. Hermann had thought he was being mocked but...

He carefully puts a hand on Newton's forearm. He is still unsure of how to tread the waters of physical contact. The cryptozoologist raises his eyes again. His expression is once again unguarded, displaying the same kind of hope as when Hermann had agreed to drift with him.

_«You would do this for me?»_

«You're not okay,» Hermann says.

Newton laughs, but he doesn't take his arm away. He shakes his head, hair still messy, though he appears to have at least attempted to style it since they separated after breakfast. Hermann notices that his glasses aren't cracked anymore. He must have had a spare pair.

«I'm not,» Newton replies. «I'm definitely not okay. I have just saved the world, and don't get me wrong that's like the most awesome thing ever, but now I have zero idea of what I'm gonna do with my life. We destroyed the Breach. We destroyed the kaiju. I spent _ten years_ studying them and now they're gone. And I know that nothing will ever compare because the _kaiju_ , man. They were beautiful.»

Hermann cannot help but flinch. It is not the first time that Newton has voiced his fascination for the alien creatures, but it still makes the physicist uncomfortable. Especially since there now is a part of him that _agrees_. The kaiju _are_ beautiful, in an awe-inspiring way. Their genetic make-up is utterly different from anything seen on earth, and the way each new one has features adapted to different fighting techniques... You wouldn't even consider them the same species from looking at them on the outside, but on the _inside_...

«Now they're gone, and people are gonna go back to their lives. But I don't have anything to go back to. I gave my life to a field whose success was programmed to coincide with its obsolescence. And the thing is... The thing with the kaiju is... They had a hive-mind, right?»

Hermann nods, shuddering slightly. The sensation of these thousands and thousands of lives all connected to each other, memories merging into a living database, thoughts humming everywhere, constantly, the feeling of dying over and over again.

«Always buzzing. Well, now my thoughts feel silent. More silent than usual. And combined with the fact that I can remember thinking _everything_ , I just... I can't take it. I can't take the future if it stays that silent all the time.»

Newton frees himself of Hermann's grasp to curl his arms around himself.

«Newton.»

He doesn't reply, eyes half-closed and focused on his lap.

Hermann's own thoughts feel too loud. He wants to scream, to make sure he can actually hear himself. He's holding himself upwards because he _has to_ , has to be _okay_ , has to live on _somehow_. But he knows he will fall one day. He hopes someone will be there to catch him.

«Newton.»

Hermann doesn't think. He follows the first idea that comes to his mind and stands up, walking around the table to where his colleague is seated. He puts an arm around the other man's shoulders, like his older brother used to do when Hermann only came home from school to sit on his bed and cry. The embrace is awkward with one of them standing up while the other is sitting, but Newton relaxes and every so slightly shifts his weight to rest his head on Hermann's side.

«You don't have to leave,» he says. «Or... or you don't have to leave _alone_.»

They have worked together for ten years. They have screamed at each other, they have hated each other, it is true. But they have worked _together_ and they have worked _better_.  
Hermann realizes that he hadn't even considered leaving Newton behind. He had somehow always known that they would stay in touch, perhaps get back to their old tradition of writing to each other if they decided to move to different countries.

Hercules Hansen enters the room, which slowly falls silent.

Hermann tightens his grip on Newton's shoulder.

_«You would do that with me?»_


End file.
